Still Holding On
by StillHoldingOnBA
Summary: Buffy finds out about Angel's feelings for Cordelia...Please R&R totally B&A people.


"Still Holding On"

Disclaimer: Joss, WB and UPN own them there'd be no need for this If they were mine...we'd be happy.  
Timeline: End Season 6 BTVS/Season 3 ATS   
Spoilers: All Angel and Buffy moments.  
Summary: Buffy finds out about Angel's feelings for Cordelia  
Distribution: If you want to  
Authors Notes: This is the first fic I end so please don't be so mean  
Feedback: That'd be great so please...please  
Rating: PG-13

Thanks: G. You're a genious thanx for everything...Sonia For all your support..Nuvia thanx for being a great friend...Ale I can't thank you enough...Wale you're a great friend thanx for being there...Dia thanx for the advices..and to all my friends...Dee thanx for everything.

Dedication: To all the people above I love you all.

B&A fic

Buffy finds out about Angel's feelings for Cordelia

I can't believe I'm here... why the hell am I even here? We are not together anymore...we haven't been for a while...and I can't demand an explanation I mean he didn't ask for one when I was with Riley or when he found out about Parker...I wonder if he knows about Spike I hope he does that way he'd know that he was wrong and if he hadn't left damn it I can't believe it what the hell does he see in her? Why is he doing this to me? It's not like I don't want him to be "happy" it just that he's supposed to be happy with me and It hurts jut to think about them together I can't imagine him kissing her...OH GOD he can't do that... his kisses belong to me he BELONGS to me I know he left but I always thought that he was going to come back to me someday ... I don't know when I decided to start walking but I'm getting in I can see them all together probably looking for a way to bring her back... there he is with his friends he told me about them when I came back from Heaven...Did he sense me... there's still that connection between us ... that bond ... the feeling of knowing he's around it feels so nice it's like electricity every part of me feels alive just knowing he's near me... I have to say something so the best I could say is ...

"HEY"

I managed to say why the hell do they look at me like that I didn't come here to... I don't even know why am I here so

"Hey..."

All of them answered...looking at me like a stranger...am I stranger to him...does he still know me they way he used to know me? ... does he still read my thoughts the way I tried once to read his ... I look at him and I don't understand how he can still make me feel like this with just one look...I always loved how he looks in black the way those pants fit his whatever...I'm acting like if I was 17 again...that'd be a good thing If we would still be together...not

"I need to talk to you alone..." I said to him...He looks at me like he was mad... I can't believe it I'm the one who's supposed to be mad ... he asked me to follow him...I think he's taking me to his room... I don't want to go to their room...his and Cordy why I called her Cordy when she is a total stupid bitch... that's all she is I bet she followed him after Graduation so she could get in his pants...I have to stop thinking about this I'm just gonna do this and leave.

"Hey..." I replied... I sensed her like 40 minutes ago she looks beautiful she's not longer the girl I used to know now she's a woman but she keeps her heart for everyone to see it for me to see it... I can't believe she's with Spike now what the hell she sees on him anyway? I left so she could have a normal life and that's what happened...I can't take it ... It burns me inside just to think that he has touched her does she know about Cordy I hope she does so she'd know that I've moved on too and that I have a life a family and that I'm happy as happy as a man can be without the woman he loves without his reason to live...We got to my room she hasn't said a word since we were downstairs and I don't know what to say I can't believe after all these years she still has this effect on me it's like floating in the air and all of this emotions going through my body ... I almost can feel my heart beating just by looking at her...I love her more than ever but I can't tell her that she wouldn't understand it's weird I keep telling myself how much I LOVE her but I keep telling everyone else that I loved her and that I'm trying to build a life without her when she's my life she's the reason I keep fighting...and I fool them just as easy as pretend to be okay even if it kills me everyday to not be able to touch her to say that I love her to comfort her to hold her... those things mean more than anything for me and I left because I couldn't stand to be around her and not been able to make her mine and now I realize that she was always mine...She looks so great the way her hair...I'm acting life if I was a little boy...she makes me act like a boy...

I can't think of something to say why he has this effect on me he takes all rational thought away from me... he takes everything away from me ... I feel helpless like when Giles took away my powers and even worse but at the same time I feel safe just to know he's here how much time has passed every time I see him I want to tell him how much I love him or to tell everybody how much I still love him but I guess I don't have the right to say that anymore I just get to say that I loved him more than anything in this life and every time I say it...it breaks my heart to realize that I'm telling loved instead of love that sucks I should be able to express my feelings the way I want but I guess I'm to proud to say it now how come my world changed so suddenly...if he would have stayed then or at my mom's funeral maybe I wouldn't have jumped to die and if I've done it then those years or months would have been worth it ... we got to his room ...

"So this is your room?"

I asked waiting for him to tell me that It's just his room and not his and Cordy....but of course this is their room why did I tell him to talk alone it doesn't seem like a good idea now...I'm in their room I hate to say their room but I'm gonna stick to the plan just gonna do this and leave...

"I just came to give you something that's not longer mine..."

I said... OH GOD I forgot to take it off before but It feels so mine it's funny since he gave it back to me I thought that taking it off was like taking my finger off like a part of my body but not matter how much I don't want to give it back I have to....

"It's my claddagh ring ... you gave it to me when I came back"

She's wearing my ring our wedding rings... but why she's taking it off...I guess that means she doesn't care anymore...and why she's giving it back to me...but I'm still wearing mine as a sign that I still belong to her

"You told me to wear it pointing to my heart ..."

I'm trying my best to not cry...

"And that meant that I belonged to someone...You have yours pointing to your heart because...you belong to Cordy now...so I guess she should wear this one..."

I can't believe how much I want him to say that I'm wrong and that I'm stupid just to think that and that he still belongs to me like I still belong to him but all he does is to stare at the floor like he doesn't care even worse like he's okay with this...

"So I guess it doesn't belong to me anymore" I can't believe what I just said

How could she thought it belongs to Cordy and that I belong to her too ...when I'm all hers...even when she doesn't want me anymore...

"So you don't want it or me anymore?" I asked her not wanting to know the answer

He's talking like it matters to him how I feel... when it hurts me and it's killing me to do this...

"How dare you to think that...It's not that...I just thought that....." I yelled at him

"What? You thought what?"

She looks at me like he was hurt like when she came after thanksgiving ... like she still cares what I feel...I can't believe it...

"You don't have to pretend Angel...I'm a big girl now and It's not like I still love you..."

How did I say that...I can't believe what I just said...

"I'm a big girl now and I know you're with Cordelia and I'm happy for you really happy..."

How I manage myself to say that I'm a big stupid ex girlfriend who's still in love with her ex and I'm saying I'm happy he's with someone who's not me....and by happy I mean that I hope she gets really but really fat and explodes while you're kissing her...no I don't want you to kiss her ...better while I don't know but I don't want her near you...I should have said that instead of the whole I'm over you thing...He looks hurt but I know it's not because of me...he turned around he is not even looking at me...

Oh...I can't believe she just said that she doesn't love anymore I'm glad I don't have to breathe because right now she took that from me...she took my reason in life...

"I thought Spike didn't want you to have it...since you're with him...and I'm really happy for you two..." what the hell am I saying Peroxide captain... you're changing me for him... and what does the ring has to do with him anyway he can't claimed you as his...because without it you're already mine I marked you as my mate so you're never gonna be his...

"I think you two are gonna be happy..."

How could I say that...he can't make her happy...he doesn't know a damn thing about her...he doesn't know how beautiful she looks while she's sleeping...he doesn't make her happy I'm the one who makes her happy...she doesn't trust him..... I bet she doesn't sleep in his arms she doesn't give herself so complete and trustful the way she does ... did with me.

"I don't have to explain myself to you because...but Ok...firs of all I'm not with Spike he was just he's just nothing for me and ..."

I don't know what to say...

"He wouldn't care about the ring anyways I think he would care about the mark and in any case the ring would be Cordy's department...and I guess she cares about it and that you'd like her to have it..... and I don't care saying this even if I promised myself that I wouldn't but...The fact that I'm here giving you the ring back it doesn't mean that I'm taking back my feelings for you because I never did and I never will because I'm not like you... I never stop loving you even if I tried so hard to forget and to move on and now you moved on and stopped loving me... and it hurts and I don't understand Why I keep saying things I'm supposed to keep to myself..."

I didn't think she loved Spike how could she...she still loves me and why the hell I'm still thinking what should I do...I met her lips with mines and it feels so right to know that every inch of her body every kiss is mine....

He's kissing me...we're kissing I saw that relief look in his eyes when I told him I wasn't with Spike he looked so happy but not that happy..... It feels so nice to be in his arms again we fit so naturally it's like we complete to each other now I know he's not with Cordy and that he still loves the way I love him too...I don't have to look so excited just okay ....

"Why did you that?" I asked already knowing the answer

"I just wanted you to be sure I'm not with Cordy..... and that I love you and no matter what I never stopped and I never tried to stop... even if I told everyone I was trying and that if I wear my ring pointing to my heart is not because of her it's always because of you... and I know I was stupid and that..... "

I caught his lips with mine again and I don't understand how could I live all these years without him by my side I guess he's always by my side because I dream about him every night...and I think about him all the time even if he's not around he's always with me... but I still missed the way he makes me feel it's like I can do everything...I can trust him with my life I have never trusted anyone with my life but him...we broke the kiss I didn't want to but I needed some air....

"I guess you need to be more convincing and although I said I wasn't with Spike I needed you to be sure too..."

"I guess we'd keep convincing to each other..."

I said... not wanting to let her go again...I love her more than anything and I can't believe I was so stupid to let her go... to walk away from her..... I was trying to do the right thing for her that I didn't realize that all she ever wanted was me just me the way I am..... She never stopped loving me nor even when I was Angelus..... and she didn't stop loving me after all these years.....I'm such a big asshole......Leaving her was the most stupid thing I ever did.....I guess Angelus never hurt her as much as I did by leaving...we broke the kiss again...I guess one of us has to breathe...

"Angel?..... I love you...always you ....I tried the whole normal boyfriend thing with Riley because I thought you were going to think things better and you were going to realize that I don't need someone to make love to me....I need some who loves me and who I love back and that person is you it's always been you and it's always you ....and when I told you I trusted him...I was lying...trying to hurt you being with him was easy he's a great guy...but he wasn't you that's why I couldn't trust him...'cuz you're the only one who I can trust.. "

"I'm really sorry...I shouldn't have left...I care about Cordy but I don't love her...I tried but I can't when all I can think about is you...when you're the reason why being here is worth...and you're the only one I can love and trust I've never felt so complete until I met you...you mean everything to me...not being with you is a living hell...and when I heard you were with Spike I tried to moved on to Cordy...but I can't love anyone but you... I love you ..."

It feels nice to be able to tell her exactly how I feel...and even now I know we would make it I let everyone tell me what to feel and how to feel when I already feel the most extraordinary feeling in the world.

"I love you too..."

It's amazing how telling him how much I love him feels so right it feels so natural so true so real.....He's the reason why being alive again makes sense why being back is worthy...


End file.
